There's More to Me Behind My Mask.

……Alright. Well, I’ll take that as a hint. If that last reblog meant anything. Which I think it did because it was way too relevant. Okay then. Well, I don’t know. I guess there’s no point. I guess I did something. I always do something. I just wish I didn’t lose so many people I care about.

I don’t know what I did wrong and it’s breaking my heart that I lost someone I cared about. I lost someone who I thought was my best friend. Why? Why? Why? What did I do?

Just saw a cute manip of the G’s. So cute :3 I love when people make GxG manips.

Whatever I fucking did must have been so fucking bad she wants nothing to do with me anymore. I don’t know what the fuck I did but she is not responding to any message I send. I do not know what to do anymore. I really thought she meant it when she said she’d never give up on me.

I miss when skinned knees and elbows were the only things that would leave scars on me. I miss when my mother’s kisses made everything stop hurting. I miss when my mother looked at me and saw an angel, not someone who is broken. I miss when I had friends. I miss when I didn’t care about who liked me. I miss when school wasn’t stressful. I miss when my sister and I were close. I miss when I never thought about guys or girls or relationships. I miss when I never even THOUGHT about hurting myself purposely. I miss when I looked forward to the next day instead of wishing I was dead every day. I miss everything. I miss when I was happy. I don’t remember being happy. Never can I remember being happy. I wish I could. I wonder what it’s like. I don’t think what I ever feel is happy or joy, I just think it’s a little above being sad. I can smile, sure, I do it a lot. But that doesn’t mean I’m happy. I never feel happy…

I wish I wasnt easily replaced or forgotten. It seems everyone can forget about me quickly. I really wonder if I really would be missed if I killed myself. I wonder who would miss me and for how long. I mean if people forget about me easily when I’m alive, it should be quicker with me dead.

It would be like I never existed. Everyone would be happier. I have nothing and no one to stop me or keep me here.

LOL oh hai there panic attack. Nice to see you again. Oh how I missed you. Yeah.

I love how I’m having a full blown panic and anxiety attack over the fact she’s not responding to me at all and that my parents are fighting again.

I am so fucked up.

I don’t want to live anymore.

My body is fucked up.

My mind is fucked up.

Everything about me is fucked up.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this!

Three years of this stupid crush. Why? Why? Why?

She says she wants someone who would stay by her side and love her to their hearts content and well, here I am, waiting. Standing by her side. Following her orders like a lost puppy.

Okay, maybe not that extreme, but I am there by her side just waiting for her to turn to me and look at me the way I’ve been looking at her for three years.

She says I mean a lot to her. That she never wants to lose my friendship. That she never wants to stop talking. And that even if she doesn’t show it, I mean so much to her.

I love it and hate it when she says these things. They get my hopes up but crush them at the same time.

Then she comes looking for me when she thinks she’s lost me somewhere.

Like, the other day, at Holiday Hill, where I have only been once and I had NO idea where I was going, they left while I was in the dining area and she came back from the game room and looked relieved and said, “Oh, thank God, I thought we lost you.”

She knows how I feel.

Or she did last year and the year before.

And I don’t exactly want to bring it up again.

Plus a few of my good friends like her, I feel like I’d be betraying them if anything were to happen, not that I think they will.

*Sigh.*

I guess I should just continue trying to ignore my feelings.

I mean, it’s not like I’m incapable of liking, even loving, others while having a crush on her. So it won’t be too hard.

Fuck you.
Fuck your for being my sister.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
I hate you.
I wish you weren’t my sister.
“Mom caters to you because of your issues.”
Fuck you for saying that.
Mom didn’t know until over the summer.
And even then I was treated no different.
Fuck you for being a jealous bitch.
I’m sorry the things I get are cheap and you ask for expensive ass shit.
Fuck you.
Just fuck you.

Oh, mommy. How I love how you trust me. You trust me enough to believe when I say I’m feeling better and let me go to my room. You believe me when I say I’m going to sleep. Oh, mommy. You make me want to put the razor down. But, mommy, your little girl is fucked up.

Just another thing I’m sorry for.
Oh, mommy, we should make a list together.

I’m sorry. So sorry. I’m sorry I’m not a good friend. I’m sorry that everyday my anxiety crushes me and makes me barely able to function. I’m sorry that I act like an idiot. I’m sorry I say things I don’t mean. I’m sorry I can’t be strong like you want me to be. I’m sorry that my depression is killing me. I’m sorry that my mind and body want me to kill myself before my issues kill me completely inside. I’m sorry it’s gotten to the point that to feel something to show I’m alive I have to hurt myself. I’m sorry that on a daily basis all I feel is sadness, fear, anxiety, displacement, replaced, lonely, and all kinds of other shit you can’t even begin to imagine. I’m sorry that you chose a fuck up as a friend. I am so fucking sorry I’m the way I am. I am so fucking sorry there is nothing I can fucking do so I can be normal like you. I am so fucking sorry. I am so very fucking sorry. I cannot say sorry enough fucking times. I am just so god damn fucking sorry. I do not deserve to exist.

Anonymous asked: Uhh.. Hi c: You seem like a really friendly and nice person. I wish I could go over to where you are and make you smile and laugh and be my friend. ♥

I try to be nice. I do like to talk to people but sometimes my anxiety gets in the way an makes me seem a little rude. 

You’re really sweet, thank you. But, we could still be friends if you’d like. You seem really sweet and nice.